Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
