Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
