Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
