I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize