Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
