She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
not ubering you a puppy
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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