I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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