i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
