no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
pray to the hookup gods
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
