you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We left the knife in your bed.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
