Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
