why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
