that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
