Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
