I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
