if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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