As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
