can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
