If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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