I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
