your parents love me but you hate me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
