forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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