I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
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When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
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That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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