Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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