It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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