piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
