i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
