I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
