Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
