So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
