I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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