So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Randomize
