I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
