I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
