you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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