i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
