My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
