i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
