idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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