I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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