Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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