It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
