I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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