i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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