is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
