he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
