No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
