Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
