My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
