You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
