I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
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Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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