By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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