The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
