I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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