I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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