listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
